Fox, a station known for its high quality programming and perfectly acceptable track record of cancelling the shows that deserve it, recently aired the 2011 Teen Choice Awards which celebrated the best the entertainment industry had to offer. See, I could be a politician. I just lied out of my ass. I don’t believe in cheating on my significant other, however, so that’s out, and I guess it is time for the honest truth. Fox cancelled Firefly, I hate them, and I’ll never forgive them. Then they have the audacity to run an award show like this and attempt to feign even a modicum of legitimacy. Here is how the Teen Choice Awards pretty much works: A group of Fox executives and market research firms compile a list of nominations in different categories with which they believe the teenage audience would connect. This means a team of corporate executives and marketing teams are involved in putting together a list that is skewed towards an audience of barely functional hormonally supercharged retards. Then they put up the final results and allow this mentally challenged audience to vote on their choices. If anything, this process confirms that the average American teenager is into two things, shiny and sexy. Things like substance, talent, poignancy, and social relevance do not play a role in their choices. Of course, I’m not just going to state these things without some further research into the topic.  Here we go:

Is it just me or do the people on the left actually look a bit on the douchey side? Or maybe even a little high?

MOVIES

A surfboard is not an award, considering the standards here. It is much like getting a Razzie.

Let us go ahead and look into the films that made a clean sweep of the surfboard award by first pointing out that when you receive an award shaped like a surfboard for achievements in the arts, this is not an achievement, it is an insult. An insult to you and an insult to everyone else that is in your industry that actually deserves recognition. Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows part 1 cleaned up with a total of 4 awards with The Twilight Saga: Eclipse and Bad Teacher tying with 3 wins. I’m not going to even bother with the Summer choice awards, because all of those were won by Deathly Hallows part 2, and at the time of this show, there wasn’t much competition. I will say that I’m glad a decent film in a great franchise beat out the other options in a lot of these. Deathly Hollows part 1 doesn’t deserve any awards though, since it is a movie of exposition and one of the weakest in the series overall. Yet, with competition like Twilight, Green Lantern, and that one unnecessary Pirates sequel, I am actually surprised it didn’t win every reward it was up for. Outside of the occasional surprise nomination like Super 8 and Black Swan, there was nothing with which Harry Potter had to compete. It was trash, trash, trash, or decent film in a great series. I’m glad our teenagers voted wisely during those times.

Even though this movie deserved being awarded. I'm actually beginning to think that it being at all mentioned alongside Twilight is insulting.

Another surprise was that Black Swan walked away with any rewards at all. The target audience of this award show is a bit too young to have seen this film and the overall story is a bit heady for the audience of buffoons that gave Bad Teacher, Fast Five, and that one movie series about sparkly vampires any votes, not to mention any actual wins. You know what it was? The infamous and awesome lesbian scene. That’s about all I’ve got as reasoning. Every young male that had a computer clicked that vote with one hand, along with the drastically growing number of experimental young women. Natalie Portman won for Best Actress in a Drama and Black Swan itself won Best Drama, both of which are actually accurate. So, kudos I guess.

This guy won a Best Actor award. THIS GUY! excuse me a second, I have to shut up the sound of angels killing themselves.

The award for Best Actor in a sci-fi/fantasy movie went to Taylor Lautner, and let us stop there. Talyor Lautner? Best Actor? Come on! Just because he takes off his shirt does not mean the man can act! He is a testament to my earlier theory that sexy wins, and it is proved over and over again. It wasn’t about who was actually the best actor, it wasn’t about who pulled off the greatest performance of 2010/2011, it was about who got the demographic to whom this award show was pandering to to swoon the most. Naming Taylor Lautner the best actor in anything is the reason Dennis Hopper died, it wasn’t cancer, it was the American youth destroying cinema. The only defense anyone can give me is that Lautner was the best overall in the Twilight film. All that means is that he sucked the least. Being called the best actor in a Twilight film is like being called the best engineer on the Mexican space shuttle. He also beat out Daniel Radcliffe who was up for the same award. Daniel Radcliffe did actually win the Teen Choice Summer Movie Actor or Star or whatever, but since Harry Potter won every Summer award, it doesn’t count. Daniel Radcliffe was busy on Broadway being an actor, so he wasn’t able to appear in person, but he did show up via satellite to accept his reward and then immediately went back to being relevant.

Water For Elephants? You know what, better question. The hair? Why?

I guess with Taylor Lautner beating out Robert Pattinson in this category meant that team Jacob won that fight. Robert Pattinson did win Best Actor in a Drama for Water For Elephants over Jesse Eisenberg from The Social Network. I’m just going to leave that alone for now; I’ll get to the pain I feel for a great movie like The Social Network being walked all over by sub-par pieces of work later. One point I would like to make before moving on, though, is what in the hell is Water For Elephants? That’s all. Another surprise win was for Emma Stone for Best Actress in a Romantic Comedy and the film she was in, Easy A, won Best Romantic Comedy. Just like with Black Swan, I can agree with Easy A winning in the categories it did. Easy A was actually a good movie that didn’t play by the usual Romantic Comedy formula.

I figured after the two above I should show a picture of some real actors.

Another good win was for Johnny Depp in Rango for Best Voice in an Animated Film. It was quite possibly the best thing Johnny Depp has done since the original Pirates of the Caribbean, and the fact that he also won for Best Actor in an Action Movie with The Tourist is simply a joke. That was not a good movie, and with Michael Cera being up for the same award in a movie in which he was actually tolerable should have easily stolen that award with the fun as hell Scott Pilgrim vs. The World. Which, by the way, didn’t do well in theaters, and that still stings a bit. The reason The Tourist won anything from these living balls of hormones is that it starred two of the most attractive older actors in Hollywood; Angelina Jolie and Johnny Depp. Angelina Jolie also won Best Actress in an Action Movie for The Tourist in which she was actually alright. The biggest flaw with  The Tourist was that it was a film that made Johnny Depp play a normal average tourist. If there is one thing Johnny Depp cannot pull off anymore, it is being a normal guy. This film was decent at best. It certainly doesn’t deserve any awards. It’ll be on the bargain shelves at your local Wal-Mart within the next few months.

Breakout Male Star....? This is a joke right?

Lets see here… The Twilight Saga: Eclipse also took away both Male and Female scene stealer. The awards went to Ashley Green and Alex Pettyfer respectively. Firstly, who? Secondly, best scene stealer? So this means that these two stole a scene in a movie that is nothing but one long take of a bunch of pretty people staring at the camera with one emotion; angst? I seem to have lost something in what this reward was for. Did these two walk out smiling and actually make a good point and deliver a line of dialogue with more skill than the average kid in your local High School drama club? That would be some good scene stealing in a movie of this caliber. Were the other nominees the train from The Tourist and the tent from Harry Potter and the Deathly Hollows part 1? From what I’m seeing, there is Mila Kunis from Black Swan, Crystal the Monkey from the Hangover II (which by the way is the only reason to see that damn movie,) and Andrew Garfield and Justin Timberlake from The Social Network. None of these options won? Not even the monkey? That is atrocious, and also brings up another point. The Social Network didn’t win a single award while Bad Teacher walked away with three!? How in the hell does this happen? Kids, listen up! STOP-BEING-DUMB! Alex Pettyfer, the scene stealer, also won for Best Male Breakout Star over Chris Hemsworth, who was someone that helped make Thor good. Let’s talk about this for a moment, the guy from Twilight: Eclipse, Beastly, and I Am Number Four, all of which are bad movies, beat out Chris Hemsworth. The man who helped make Thor good! A man with the last name Pet-a-fur (I know, it holds no relevance, his name just makes me laugh) beat the man who made the one comic book movie that had no right being good, good! Paranormal Activity 2 also won for Best Horror Movie. GAH! Alright… I’m done here.

I don’t have much to say on the other two categories of awards, and I don’t want that much TCA coverage on my site. Here’s a breakdown:

2011 TCA Music Awards: Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez won a bunch of awards. Congratulations corporate America, your cookie cutter bullshit works! Talyor Swift won the rest. Unlike Kanye, I have nothing bad to say about Taylor Swift.

2011 TCA Television Awards: Glee, Vampire Diaries, and Jersey Shore won everything. WOOT! Jersey Shore won an award that didn’t include a much needed firing squad. Now I’m done here.

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MY FINAL THOUGHTS:

This show was atrocious; there is no way around it. The target audience is a group of individuals that year by year, generation by generation, is known for liking all the wrong stuff. There are a few who don’t fit the standard, but those who do far outnumber those who don’t. Which means, as always, the dumb outweighs the smart. It is a fact of life, and teenagers are the part of the population with the largest density of stupid. The one bit of good news I can report here is that I won back some of my faith in the general audience when I read that the Teen Choice Awards saw a ratings drop from last year, especially in the older demographic. Its ratings amongst teenagers did actually improve, giving me faith towards the general older demographic but feeding into my “teenagers are retarded” theory.

Now for any of you that sighed some relief with that earlier statement like I did, allow me to crush your hopes. The two shows that rated higher than the Teen Choice Awards in that time slot were Big Brother 13 (7.8 million viewers) and Ty’s Great British Adventure (3.8 million viewers). HAHAHAHA! The American populace just took a dump on hope.

I’m going to go ahead and end this piece with a message to you young people. Young people, listen to me. I know as teenagers you think you know everything, but this just points to that fact that you don’t. You are a bunch of retards that need to be controlled because you are just discovering who you are and your hormones and your stupid are clouding your judgement. Also, parents; if your teenager isn’t telling you that you are ruining their lives at least once a week, then you aren’t doing your job. Oh, and if you are an adult and voted for some of these wins, jump of a cliff, you are doing the world no good. Have a nice day.

For related articles

2011 teen choice awards, actor, angelina jolie, awards, bad teacher, best movie, daniel radcliffe, easy a, emma stone, harry potter and the deathly hollows, johnny depp, movies, pettyfer, robert pattenson, taylor lautner, the social network, the tourist, the twilight sage eclipse, twilight EoN Editorials