In 2008 Liam Neeson starred in quite possibly the best action movie released in the 2000′s; Taken. I have such a big place in my heart for that film that when I heard the writer from Taken, Luc Besson, had another movie coming out starring Zoe Saldana from Star Trek and Avatar, I was a bit excited to see what he would do with a Femme Fatale styled action flick. One bit I had overlooked was the director, Oliver Megaton, who had only done one movie of note, Transporter 3, which was a decent action film starring the funny and ever charismatic Jason Statham. Colombiana’s one biggest flaw is that it does not star anyone with the screen-stealing power of Liam Neeson or Jason Statham, and while Zoe Saldana attempts, she doesn’t have a presence to carry a film like this.

Gangster father is giving 10 year old Cataleya instructions on what to do when he dies.

Colombiana starts fairly well and interesting with a 10 year old Cataleya, played by a rather creepy and robotic Amandla Stenberg (growing up on movies like Nightmare on Elm Street, it is very easy for children to be creepy to me), who watches as her Colombian gangster father and mother die in a hail of gunfire by other gangsters. When confronted by one of the gunmen, Marco (Jordi Mollà playing yet another slimy gangster), the young girl promptly stabs him in the hand and starts a parkour chase through the streets with multiple trained gunmen. While this scene is fun to watch, as any parkour chase scene is, it shows one flaw that continues throughout the film. The story never bothers to show how in the hell this girl knows how to do what she does. We just have to assume that everyone in Colombia learns how to free run like a pro from the time they can walk. They also learn how to hide evidence, manipulate people, and slip away from federal agents at about the same time. I’m just going to guess that it is a part of their school curriculum.

Marco, played by Jordi Mollà (center), can easily be confused as the main villian. He is also the only character with presence.

After finding her way to the United States she goes to Chicago on her own and locates her Uncle Emilio (Cliff Curtis) who takes her in. When she claims that she has made up her mind and wants to be a killer, Emilio just trains her with little hesitation, only pushing that she go to school to learn the world and be a smart killer. That’s a bit of a shoehorned “stay in school” message, but okay… I’m just glad that gangster families are perfectly accepting of taking on the whims of a child. A killer is good for business, so I guess I understand. The movie flash forwards to a grown up Cateleya, played by the lanky Zoe Saldana, who is on a mission to kill everyone associated with those who killed her parents. The tag line for this film is “Revenge  is beautiful” and the movie attempts to portray this in scenes that see Saldana in an incredibly tight cat suit, running from federal agents in nothing but her underwear carrying a sniper rifle twice her size, sneaking into a mansion with sharks in a tight wet suit without legs that hugs up on her butt, and walking around in a couple combinations of tank top and really short shorts. The problem with all of this is that Saldana does not look fit; she looks thin, and it is just not believable that she is able to do most of what she does within the movie. I’m actually quite sure that during a scene where she dual wields some automatic weapons, the recoil would have snapped her arms out of their sockets.

That rifle is seriously twice her size and she is walking around barefoot in this scene. Revenge is Beautiful.

During the revenge plot there is an investigation by an FBI Agent named Agent Ross (Lennie James) looking into twenty-two murders all connected to a symbol of a particular orchid that grows only in one place called a Cattleya that the killer (Cataleya) paints on her victims chest. This presents all kinds of stupid by both the FBI and the hardcore trained killer that is our main character. I’m glad that her Uncle Emilio calls her out on the idiocy of her choices, I just don’t think he did a good enough job. While I understand sending a message, it just seems foolish to do it that way. Not only is the symbol put on the victims the name of the main character, but it is also the calling card of her own father. This leaves so many damn lead ins to who she is that it is ridiculous. When a character has family that she loves and people that she loves, why would that character send a message to a group of trained killers that tells them dead who it is killing a bunch of their people? Batman has a calling card, not Bruce Wayne; that’s because he doesn’t want the big bad guys coming after those in his life. It appears Cataleya doesn’t care about those in her life. This all makes the tragedy near the end of the movie feel less tragic. How can I sympathize with a character who brought it down on herself? Even though apparently she was trained better. We as an audience don’t know that she was trained better, we just have to take Emilio’s word for it.

that's the love interest played by Michael Vartan. Normal guy with incredibly nice loft with a not so normal girl friend that kills people. Aww... love.

Colombiana also inserts a love interest, Alias star Michael Vartan playing Cataleya’s sex toy Danny Delanay. Danny serves as a reason to see Zoe getting sexy with someone and as a tool used to help expose her in an unrealistic “this is not how computers work!” type of scene. I guess he also serves to show the disconnection from life that a killer has to have in order to do their job, as well as show Cataleya’s loneliness and intrigue in a real life. Danny and Cataleya’s last bit of family are used as a form of grounding for the character and to give her the chance to have some emotional weight. Yet I don’t think it is ever done well enough and everyone that sees this film will just know from the moment that Danny is introduced what his role is. To expose his lover.

Zoe Saldana's Cataleya is a superhero. Much like an ant, she can lift things twenty times her weight.

IN CONCLUSION:

Colombiana is a disappointing movie, it has its share of fun action sequences (one of which being a well shot one-on-one fight in a bathroom), but the plot itself is full of facepalm moments if you have any sense of reality. Zoe Saldana is unrealistic in her role, and outside of being sexy, she is a bit robotic in her role which I believe is an attempt at coming off as an emotionless killer. For those into action flicks and women in skimpy outfits there is a lot here. However for anyone who likes their movies with some substance or outstanding acting, you will walk away disappointed. Either way though, It is likely this movie will be forgotten about by everyone within a week of watching it.

RATING:

2/5 there is some fun to be had here, but with its bad story and uninspired dialogue, Colombiana is far from great..

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action, bit, character, colombiana, film, jordi molla, killer, luc besson, michael vartan, movie, Review, saldana, zoe saldana Movie Reviews